Finding Redemption in the Loss of a Little Life

Recently God has placed it on my heart to write about something that many women have experienced, including myself. That topic being miscarriage. This is a heavy topic, and for some, it may be difficult to understand, while for others, it may bring back heartbreaking memories of empty scans and unheld little ones. I’d like to share my story in hopes of encouraging others but also shedding light on a topic that so many experience but so few talk about.

My first miscarriage was very early. I was so eager to be pregnant that I was testing days before I missed a period. I remember my husband and I trying to tell if that was actually a faint second line or if we were seeing things. Sure enough, after more tests, we concluded I was pregnant. I was only about 4 weeks along but I was so excited. We told my parents, my husband’s parents, and then a couple that we were close friends with. I met up at a coffee shop with the wife to tell her. She knew how much I wanted a baby and was so excited for me that she immediately took me to Once Upon a Child to buy some cute, gender-neutral baby clothes. I took them home, washed them, and just stared at the little outfits, imagining what my baby would look like wearing them. The next day, Hunter told the husband on their way home from work. I was at home and went to the bathroom. This is when I started bleeding. I immediately called Hunter to ask if he had already told our friend about the pregnancy and he said he was currently in the process of telling him. I told him what was happening to me and then a blur of texts and phone calls happened between our friends, Hunter and I, and my mom.

I lost that baby. It was so early, I don’t think I even made it to 5 weeks. But I loved that baby. I wanted that baby. And just as quickly as they came into our lives, they were taken away. This experience caused me immeasurable pain. I shared my experience with our close friends and we cried together. They knew it was early. But they also knew how loved that baby already was. How early or late it happened didn’t detract from the love already surrounding that little life.

I felt so hurt and began to doubt God’s goodness. “If God loves children, why won’t He let me have one?”, I thought. It took me time and prayer to realize that death is not from God. Life comes from God and death comes from Satan. Jesus says in John 10:10, “The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy. I came that they may have life and have it abundantly.” We live in a fallen world and a fallen world includes death. Death is not a part of life, as many people say. Death is a consequence of sin and sin was never part of God’s design. Losing my baby was not a punishment from God. I couldn’t see it at the time, but this verse has always been true and is something I now remind myself of constantly,  “And we know that for those who love God all things work together for good, for those who are called according to his purpose.” (Romans 8:28) Although this death was not God’s doing, He was going to work it out for the good of me, my husband, and anyone else affected by this loss. I began to heal as I began to trust in this promise.

Exactly one year later, I found out I was pregnant again with our rainbow baby. This baby grew healthy and strong and is now almost a year and a half. She has brought so much joy to our lives and I thank the Lord constantly for the life He has entrusted us with. As much as I wanted this baby, I never could have appreciated her to the extent that I do now, had I not experienced the love and loss of my first baby. Only after that loss could I have the ability to look back and recognize that God did, in fact, work out that loss for our good.

In January of 2025 I found out I was pregnant again. Our baby was 11 months old and I was feeling nervous, but trying to be open to God’s blessing of life. My husband was immediately excited, while I felt very blessed and happy, but still apprehensive about the added responsibility of managing two little lives. I scheduled my first appointment with my midwife and waited for the nausea to hit me, but it never did.

I was very busy at this time, planning my daughters first birthday party, packing up all of our belongings as we prepared to move to another city, and trying to still manage my household while raising a baby. We went ahead and told our close friends and family, who then told their close friends and family. We felt less of a need to wait to tell people since the first miscarriage felt so far removed from our current life. On the day of our daughter’s birthday party, I started having some very light bleeding, which can be normal at the beginning of a pregnancy. Anyone I told about it told me not to worry and to just wait for my appointment in a few days because surely everything was fine. However, something in me knew. At this point I was 9 weeks along.

The bleeding got slightly heavier and darker each day before my appointment. Finally the day came. Hunter and I prayed before we went inside. I was still hopeful, but was prepared for the worst. I laid on the table so my midwife could do a scan. I remember looking at the ceiling, having an overwhelming feeling that I knew what was about to happen, and thinking, “God, just give me peace.” She started the scan, but couldn’t find anything in my belly. I went to the bathroom and the bleeding had gotten worse. She told me it was probably a loss and prepared me for what to expect in the coming days. Everyone tried to be so sensitive and gentle with me while we were there. I kept a brave face, told her I already assumed this was the outcome, and we left without shedding a tear.

I was silent on the drive home. I felt numb. I felt in shock, even though I had been preparing myself for days for this experience, but nothing prepares you for hearing that you’ve lost your baby. When we got back to our little empty duplex to finish moving our things out, I sobbed to Hunter. We talked and I cried. He helped walk me through it to process how I felt. Then I felt a peace. I was shocked and confused at the fact that I really had peace. He had answered my prayer. I felt as if God’s arms were wrapped around me and felt assured of the fact that my baby’s soul was joining their sibling in Heaven.

The next few days became more painful, physically and emotionally as I continued to process this experience and accept the fact that I wouldn’t have another baby in September and my body processed that fact as well. On the morning of my daughter’s first birthday, at almost the exact time I had gone into labor with her one year ago, my body went into labor again. Hunter helped me while my mom watched our daughter and I delivered everything that was left in my body from this pregnancy. This was one of the most traumatic experiences of my life and the road to healing has been a long process.

After the second miscarriage, I still had moments of anger and hurt and deep sadness that I directed towards God, but somehow, healing from this has been so much less painful than healing from the first miscarriage.

My spiritual maturity and understanding of God’s nature and His goodness has grown so much. He is the only One who could give me such a peace. Isaiah 26:3 says “You keep him in perfect peace whose mind is stayed on you, because he trusts in you.” I trusted God to be present with me and to work all things for my good, regardless of whether I lost my baby or kept it. And He gave my mind peace. Don’t get me wrong, it was still incredibly difficult and I still today find myself feeling sad that I won’t get to meet that baby for a while, but my feelings aren’t being directed at God, the giver of life. They’re simply evidence of the love I had for my baby, even while feeling nervous to meet them.

Miscarriage is an incredibly difficult thing for a woman to experience, especially when that woman has fertility struggles and desperately desires to be a mother. If you have ever experienced the loss of a baby, no matter how early or late, please know that you are not alone in your grief. Please also know that God has not abandoned you and your baby. He has, in fact, welcomed that sweet soul into His arms and will watch over your little one until you meet in Heaven. If you have never experienced miscarriage, but know someone who has, I hope this post can shed some light on the experience. This isn’t meant to scare you, but rather, to make you aware of the physical and emotional difficulties so many women experience with this. Be gentle with your friends who lose a baby. Bring them a meal, be open to talking about it with them (if they want to share), just be present in a time when they feel alone. You don’t have to try to fill the empty space with words you think might be encouraging. Just be there. Be there and pray for them.

I don’t write this post to ask for sympathy. I write this post in the hopes that I can encourage women who have experienced miscarriage. You are not alone. God has not abandoned you. “It is the Lord who goes before you. He will be with you; he will not leave you or forsake you. Do not fear or be dismayed.” (Deuteronomy 31:8) You and your baby were both made in His image and He values you both. Remember that death was not part of God’s design for the world, but God can use this heartbreaking experience to draw you closer to Him, if you will let Him.

I pray you find healing in the Healer.