From Anger to Peace

There have been many times throughout this fertility journey that I have felt bitter and angry. I see others posting about being pregnant or having a baby and I'm filled with jealousy. I can't stop from thinking, "I'm doing everything right. I'm married, I'm working in the home, my husband and I both truly want to become parents and yet, everyone else gets a baby and I don't." I see or hear people complaining about pregnancy or how tired they are because their newborn won't sleep and, instead of sympathizing with them, I feel jealous. I would give anything to be pregnant with morning sickness. I would give anything to have no sleep after being up all night with a baby. I would give anything. It's not fair of me to shame or invalidate new moms, I know that, but I can't help but wish that their complaints were mine.

I feel angry at the world. I've even gotten to the point of feeling angry with God. I have eliminated any hindrance I can that could be keeping us from getting pregnant. I know it's not in my hands anyway, but its been a lot easier in the past to blame myself for a negative test than to leave it completely up to God. I could say, "Oh, well, I didn't track my ovulation correctly" or "I didn't eat well this month." "I haven't been drinking enough water" or "I haven't been exercising enough." I could always fix those things for next month. But I've done it all. I've done it all consistently. The only thing left to do is leave it all in God's hands. The thing I really should've been doing from the start, since I never really had any control over this to begin with. It's a lot scarier to blame my negative tests on God, though.

I started out just wondering why He wanted me to keep waiting. Then my tone began to shift. "Why are you putting me through this? I don't care about having some inspiring journey leading me to a baby. I just want a baby. What have I done wrong? Why won't you answer me?" Of course, He has been answering me. It just isn't the answer I want. It's really hard to trust someone's plan when you're angry with them.

I didn't realize how many times people in the Bible cry out to God wondering why He won't fix their problems when they want Him to.

• Habbukuk 1:2 says, "O Lord, how long shall I cry for help, and you will not hear?"

• Psalm 13:1-2 says, "How long, O Lord? Will you forget me forever? How long will you hide your face from me? How long must I take counsel in my soul and have sorrow in my heart all the day?"

• Psalm 6:3, 6 says, "My soul is also greatly troubled. But you, O Lord-how long? I am weary in my moaning; every night I fill my bed with tears; I drench my couch with my weeping."

• Psalm 10:1 says, "Why, O Lord, do you stand far away? Why do you hide yourself in times of trouble?"

• Psalm 22:1-2 says, "My God, my God, why have you forsaken me? Why are you so far from me, from the words of my groaning? O my God, I cry by day, but you do not answer, and by night, but I find no rest."

• Jeremiah 12:1 says, "Righteous are you, O Lord, when I complain to you; yet I would plead my case before you. Why does the way of the wicked prosper? Why do all who are treacherous thrive?"

That's just to name a few.

It feels validating to know that I'm not the only one who has experienced this anger and frustration toward God. I'm not the only one who's felt conflicted and confused because of His plan and timing. I'm not the only one who's questioned His nearness. My therapist asked me recently that if God were to come down and say, "Okay Kaylene, I've heard you begging for a baby. It's not my will for you to have one right now, but I'll give you one", would I still want that baby? The truth is, I wouldn't. Before any of my own desires I want God's will to be done. I would have no peace without it. That baby, outside of God's will, would not bring me peace.

The Bible has plenty of evidence of people questioning God's plan and feeling unseen or far away from Him and I have found those verses incredibly validating. However, there is also evidence of God's nearness and goodness all throughout the Bible that provide me with so much comfort.

• Psalm 145:18 says, "The Lord is near to all who call on Him, to all who call on him in truth."

• Romans 8:18 says, "For I consider that the sufferings of this present time are not worth comparing with the glory that is to be revealed to us."

• John 13:7 says, "Jesus answered him, 'What I am doing you do not understand now, but afterward you will understand.'"

• Isaiah 43:2 says, "When you pass through the waters, I will be with you; and through the rivers, they shall not overwhelm you; when you walk through fire you shall not be burned, and the flame will not consume you."

• Exodus 14:14 says, "The Lord will fight for you, and you have only to be silent."

• Revelation 21:4 says, "He will wipe away every tear from their eyes, and death shall be no more, neither shall there be mourning, nor crying, nor pain anymore, for the former things have passed away."

• Psalm 34:18 says, "The Lord is near to the brokenhearted and saves the crushed in spirit."

• Isaiah 41:10 says, "Fear not, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God; I will strengthen you, I will help you, I will uphold you with my righteous right hand."

And there are so many more.

The Lord is near. He hears me. He answers me. He is good. His plan is not the same as mine, it's better. He hasn't forgotten about me and the requests of my heart. He doesn't forget or ignore His children. He is my Father and He wants the best for me. His best is better than anything I could ever imagine. So I have to let go. It's okay to feel sad or frustrated that I'm not pregnant. But it's so much more peaceful and comforting to lay those feelings and desires at His feet. I want to enjoy my life as it is right now. I want to enjoy my husband right now. God is giving me a chance to do that. I have the blessing of peace.

He can give you that peace too. Talk to Him. Give Him your struggles and burdens. Experience true peace that can only be found in Him.