A Hopeful Lamentation

First experiencing a miscarriage and then struggling with fertility has been an extremely difficult experience. I've felt myself slowly lose hope that I'll ever have a baby naturally. I've never wanted something like I want a baby. It physically hurts me. It hurts to wait. It hurts to try. It hurts to get a negative test. Every. Single. Time. The process of trying and waiting and testing feels like it lasts forever.

The hope comes back for a little while. I start wondering, "What if this is the time it finally happens?" I get PMS symptoms and convince myself it could be pregnancy. I've lost count of how many times I've searched "earliest signs of pregnancy" just to read the same answer. I tell myself "don't get your hopes up", but then stay up late looking at nursery layouts on Pinterest. I have a constant battle in my head. "You've been feeling all these symptoms, surely if you take a test early, there'll be enough hCG in your system to show up on a test", but then again, "You can't test too early because if you get a negative test you'll want to test again anyway because it could be a false negative."

I finally get to the day I can take a test. I pray so hard for peace regardless of the outcome, secretly hoping that outcome is in my favor, but never actually expecting it to be. I take the test, lay it on the counter and walk away. I try to distract myself while I wait five minutes for the result. Nothing is ever really able to distract me, though. I think, "What if this is it? What if this is the moment my life changes forever?", followed by, "Don't get excited. You know it'll be negative again. What's the point in even testing anymore?" I finally walk back to the bathroom to see the result. Negative. Once again, it feels like a punch to the stomach and a stab to the heart. I frown, throw away the test, and go sit on the couch, feeling empty and confused. I try to tell myself, "It's just not the right time and God will give me a baby, but only at the right time." It's a lot easier to listen and take comfort in those thoughts any other time. Right now it just hurts. I know I'll get over it because I always do, but this moment feels hopeless. I feel weak, like I can't keep doing this.

A small part of me still doesn't believe it and says to wait for my period. Maybe it's still too early. And so, I wait. I wait for the inevitable, debilitating physical and emotional pain that comes with my period. A few days later, it happens. I go to the bathroom thinking, "Ugh, now I know." Actually seeing it, though, is indescribable, but I'll try. It's a confirmation that, once again, I'm not pregnant and if I want to be, I have to start the whole cycle over again. Any shred of hope I had is lost. It's over. I cry. I clean myself up. I go to my husband, who I'm sure is tired of watching me go through this, but is always there to hold me. I know it's hard for him too. I know he's scared to be a father, but he wants to be one regardless. It hurts him to see me hurt. Yet, here we are again. He holds me while I cry and he reassures me that it'll happen and that God isn't punishing me. I know these things deep down, but right now its too hard to tell myself that.

I can't even focus on the emotional pain for long, because then comes the physical pain. It feels as if my own body is punishing me for not getting pregnant. It's pain on top of pain. I take as many pain pills as I safely can and try to rest. Once the medicine kicks in, I'm ready to talk. I feel amazing, only artificially, of course. I talk about the period pain and how insanely painful it was. During and after my period, I am able to work through my emotions with a clearer head. My husband and I pray together and I talk with him about how hard the process is, but I know it'll all be worth it when I can finally get pregnant. I thank God for bringing me this far. I know that there's no possible way I could keep doing this if I didn't have the peace of God and the knowledge that His timing is perfect. In the hard days, I do struggle to see the good in His plan for us, but I know that He has been there through every tear, through all the waiting, and He's there for every negative test. He has taught me so much through this process and He continues to teach me daily. I'm learning to be patient. I'm learning to trust and release any control I think I have. I want so badly to be a mother, but even more so, I want to be a daughter. A joyful daughter of the King.

I have a verse that keeps me going. Three men were threatened with being thrown into a fiery furnace for refusing to worship false gods and only worshiping God the Father. After being threatened, they respond with immense faith and trust in the Lord. Daniel 3:17-18 says, "If this be so, our God whom we serve is able to deliver us from the burning fiery furnace, and He will deliver us out of your hand O king. But if not, be it known to you, O king, that we will not serve your gods or worship the golden image that you have set up." This passage inspires me so much and reminds me that God is so much more powerful that I can even imagine. I have confidence that God is able to bless me with a baby, but even if He doesn't, He is still good. He still loves me. I will still love Him. I will worship in the waiting. I have no idea what God will end up doing in my life, but I am confident that His plan is better than anything I could dream of. This doesn't make it easy, but it does make it less difficult. This has already been a long and painful journey, but I know that it will be worth it. Even when it feels hopeless, even when I get a negative test, and even when it feels like the end, I have confidence that this is not the end of my story, but the very beginning.